Writing without a rubric

Lately, I have been trying my hand at writing.

In high school I always got good essay grades. I was opinionated and praised for my ability to strongly argue any side of any point put before me. Since then, nearly everything I have written has been of a technical form. Picking out details, sorting and weighing them, then coming to a conclusion who's accuracy was not as relevant as elaborating on how wrong I might be. All these assignments at school, university, and as a working engineer had a rubric of sorts. Sometimes in such excruciating specificity that it seemed silly even at the time. Fundamentally, the question that was to be answered was clear. Quite literally in front of me in black and white, with the number of marks available in bold in the margins.

Since trying to start writing again, the greatest difficulty has been in narrowing down what question I am even trying to answer. In the fuzzy abstract place of one's mind its easy to fool ourselves that we know what we think on each discrete question. Once the keys demand striking, opinions and observations previously so pure and clear seem suddenly ungraspable.

But since I have been trying to write, alone and without a rubric, I have realised I may not even know the right questions to ask. At moments I worry that the reason I can't immediately whack a nail through the heart of an idea is that I don't really have any anymore. Just shadows of ideas from before the demeaning considerations of test-beating became the true domain of my expertise.

On some level it feels so pathetic to be trying write in an open forum, and share ideas, when its all together unclear what the aim is. Nevertheless, I feel a voice within my chest that wants to get out and say....something. Maybe that's what makes writing art.